I don't judge people, I invent things about them...

"Don't judge a book by it's cover, " yeah, yeah, I get it, I don't judge people by their outward appearances. That's not fun at all. What is fun, is seeing people and letting my mind wander about what their deal in life is. For instance, the other day, I'm sitting at a red light on the corner of Santa Monica Blvd and Cahuenga in Hollywood. I see a cowboy crossing the street. I don't mean a guy dressed up like a cowboy like maybe he was going to an audition or a show, but this dude was for real and I could tell because of the way he was walking, he had that cowboy walk. You know, where he just got off his horse type strut. So immediately my mind starts wondering about what this dude's story is and where he came from. My only conclusion is that he rode into Hollywood on his noble steed which he named Tyson, not because he's a fan of boxing but this particular horse, instead of kicking behind him, would stand on his back legs and punch at people whenever his cowboy rider wanted him too. The cowboy taught Tyson to do this because he had his 6 shooter taken away from him in a brawl with a rootin tootin train robber, when he tried to stop him from robbing a train. So the cowboy, with his skilled horse Tyson, decided he wanted out of the cowboy life and headed to Hollywood, where he thought he could make some money with Tyson doing his 'stupid pet trick' of punching people out with his front legs. Well it turns out, when they got to Hollywood, they were walking down Hollywood Blvd and the guy that dresses like Spiderman ( not the one with the good costume, but the one who looks like he's wearing pajamas) came up and startled Tyson, so the horse naturally stood up on his back feet, and punched Spidey out. He caused a big commotion and a crowd started to gather and in this crowd was none other than famed reality show producer Mark Burnett. Mr. Burnett immediately saw an opportunity to make his newest show of having Tyson, go after animal abusers in sort of an animal justice kind of way. Only there was no part for the cowboy. So with swimming pools and movie stars in his eyes, Tyson left the cowboy behind and happily left with Mr. Burnett to fulfill his dreams of becoming a star. That's when I saw our cowboy friend. Horseless and hopeless crossing the street. Where are you going to next Mr. Cowboy man? Where oh where? Okay, it was a pretty long red light.

Girl's POV on 'I'll Make Love To You' by Boys II Men

I went to a B..B..Boyz II Men concert last weekend. They were missing the deep voiced guy, but other that, they still sounded good. So they sang one of their singles from back in the day, 'I'll Make Love To You,' and as I was listening to it, it occured to me just how funny the lyrics would be if the girl they were singing to, was really just looking for a one night stand, and not into this whole romantic thing they have going. So here's what I think the girl would be thinking after each overly cheesy line that is in the song:

SONG: Close your eyes, make a wish
GIRL: Oh no, is this gonna be freaky?
SONG: And blow out the candlelight
GIRL: I was actually quite enjoying that scented candle, what is that? Sandlewood?
SONG: For tonight is just your night
GIRL: Alright then, less talk, more action, buddy
SONG: We're gonna celebrate, all thru the night
GIRL: Oh. Really? Hmmm, really wish I would have known this, going in...
SONG: Pour the wine, light the fire
GIRL: First you tell me to blow out the candle, now you tell me to light the fire, dude, what are YOU doing?!!
SONG: Girl your wish is my command
GIRL: Boy, I command you to stop talking!
SONG: I submit to your demands
GIRL: You are more of a 'take you out to dinner' first kinda guy, aren't you?
SONG: I'll do anything, girl you need only ask
GIRL: I'm here aren't I? Do I have to ask? It's not like I came over to play Monopoly!!!

Chorus:
SONG: I'll make love to you
GIRL: Okay, I thought we already established that when I came home with you!
SONG: Like you want me to
GIRL: I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea
SONG: And I'll hold you tight
GIRL: I never said I was sleeping over!
SONG: Baby all through the night
GIRL: Maybe I can sneak out through the window!
SONG: I'll make love to you
GIRL: OK, that's been decided, now WHEN???!!!
SONG: When you want me to
GIRL: I think I've made it pretty clear!!!
SONG: And I will not let go till you tell me to
GIRL: Oh, God, Why Meeee!!!

SONG: Girl relax, let's go slow
GIRL: Seriously dude, I forgot, I have to be somewhere...
SONG: I ain't got nowhere to go
GIRL: Greeat. Can't a girl just get picked up by a player anymore?
SONG: I'm just gonna concentrate on you
GIRL: Looks like there's no gettin out of this for me then, huh?
SONG: Girl are you ready, it's gonna be a long night
GIRL: I was actually planning on catching up on my tivoed Oprah shows after this little charade.
SONG: Throw your clothes on the floor
GIRL: Eh, yeah right, I don't want your dog cozying up on my dress!
SONG: I'm gonna take my clothes off too
GIRL: Oh boy, Do I really have to look forward to you narrating this whole thing?
SONG: I made plans to be with you
GIRL: Wait, have we met before?
SONG: Girl whatever you ask me you know I'll do
GIRL: Did you go to Cancun, Spring Break 2001?

SONG: Baby tonight is your night
GIRL: Turns out, it's not at all, really
SONG: And I will do you right
GIRL: Your pretty confident, for such a talker
SONG: Just make a wish on your night
GIRL: I wish I could go back 3 hours, and go home with that dude with the crooked nose instead
SONG: Anything that you ask
GIRL: Can you bring the trashcan over here?
SONG: I will give you the love of your life
GIRL: I think I'm going to be sick...

Let me explain...

You may be wondering about the title of my blog. I’m sorry if this offends you. I never curse out loud but sometimes I curse when I’m thinking about something and since you are reading this, then it’s just in your head and not out loud, so you shouldn’t be offended. I’m actually sometimes offended by people cursing out loud. Mostly when it’s directed at me, but that is not too often seeing how I am a pretty passive person when it comes to getting into fights. I've never been in a fist fight and I'm pretty sure that if someone wanted to hit me, I would run away from them in a zig-zag like pattern in hopes that they would get weirded out and give up the chase. I never really understood the whole sticking soap in kids mouths when they said bad words. I get the literal meaning of "washing their mouths out" but I believe that a mouthful of lima beans covered in Cayenne Pepper would teach them not to say it anymore.

Anyway, so dinner parties. Let me just put out there, that I appreciate every dinner party invite I get, however, I feel like I have to throw one so I don’t have to feel bad when other people invite me to theirs. You shouldn’t have to have a party just to even it out with all the invites you get to other people’s parties. Some people like throwing parties. I’m not a planner. Never was, never will be. I’m happy to go along when someone else makes plans, but when I do something, there has to be little work involved ahead of time in making it happen.So what, if I’m 30 and I’ve never thrown a dinner party?! They sound a lot more fun than they actually are anyway. It sounds like some big fun time where you sit at a table and a bunch of chefs come out dressed up like different courses of the dinner and put on a big show for you. One would come out dressed as an asparagus and he would sing a song about how much he longed to be together with the Alfredo sauce but society demands that he be served with Hollandaise. Now that sounds like a party I would love to attend. Normally though, dinner parties consist of a bunch of your acquaintances, I won’t even call them your friends because friends don’t demand that you go out and spend $100 on food, then spend 2 days preparing your house and the stupid dinner that you just looked up on some cooking website and have never actually tried before. A friend is someone you call up, tell them it’s Taco Tuesday, and they’ll come and pick you up and share a bag of 50 cent tacos with. No, dinner party acquaintances will show up at your house, bringing some gross bottle of wine that they claim to have discovered just last weekend while they were weekending up in Napa Valley and decided that they just had to share the bottle they bought, with their closest friends on such a special occasion. Blech. I’m however hip to this game. I keep a few bottles of wine on hand, just for these parties. No more than 5 bucks a bottle, and that’s splurging. If you buy one that has a fancy enough label, and come with a great story about how your brother in law is a sommelier and this is his favorite wine, you’re not only in, but even if it ends up tasting terrible, people will think they are the ones who with no wine knowledge and tell you it is exquisite. I like to refer to this as the, “I’ve made up way more details about this, therefore I seem smarter” game. It tends to work in all kinds of situations, feel free to use the method, you'll see.

I guess if I had to throw a 'dinner party' I would have to invite everyone who had recently invited me to their dinner parties. Now, you would think that this list would be an all inclusive list of close personal friends. It actually consists of a few close friends, but mostly friends of friends whom actually aren’t really their friends either, just sort of friends in the loosest form of friendship there can be. For instance, they are the type of friends of friends who, after they leave the party, we can all have our second helpings of dessert, and I can finally tell everyone that in that bottle of “Grey Goose” is actually the Smirnoff that I picked up and poured into the Grey Goose bottle that has been empty and just sitting around in my cupboard for these exact moments of needed impressiveness. The truth is, I don't even know what type of actual dinner I could make that would live up to the pressure of throwing a whole party around it. I guess I could take a second and google "dinner party menu ideas" but that would most likely only come up with a bunch of fancy ingredients and pictures of glassware and cloth napkins draping long tables that only exist in either uber-rich people’s houses, or old reenactments of the last supper photo shoots. I'm quite sure that I wouldn't see any pictures of what my set up would look like, which would be a small dinner table with both inserts in, 6 chairs, that if you pick them up the wrong way, will in fact fall apart in your hands, and a smaller, shorter grass stain green card table surrounded by one bar stool, a fold out chair, and the office rolly chair I have set up in front of my computer desk. So ya know what? F dinner parties and all their grown up details, I'd much rather just get together and eat!