'staches

Living an existence of 31 years on this planet so far, it has come to my attention that mustaches are quite possibly the funniest things in the world. It seems hilarious to me that guys would honestly sport a stache and be totally serious about it. Not that I'm outwardly mocking the many people out there who have them, it's just that when I see you, you automatically bring a smile to my face.

I believe that there are three types of Stache Sporters. Yes, I'm saying that having a mustache is indeed a sport because a) There is constant movement: You have to actively battle the precise right growth of the stache, making sure that it doesn't get too long as too overcome your mouth, or too short and then it would just be silly. b) It is a team sport: Of the dense population of Stache Sporters out there, it seems there is almost a brotherhood of men who don the hairy upper lip. Meeting in the mustache trimmer aisle of the store to swap war stories of staches gone awry, perhaps sobbing over hairs gone gray and the secret society of stache hair dyers to cover up the aging artwork which lies above the lip line. c) The most obvious point, the Uniform: Though there are a wide variety of mustaches out there, they all are very much related and proud. d) Direct Competition: Other facial hair designs such as the goatee, the beard or even mutton chops try and fail to be quite as personable as the tried and true classic mustache.

Now to get back to the three types, 1) Those Who Sport Them For The Funny: These are my favorite, though I'm beginning to think that some men whom I think may be a part of this category are actually a part of the next category. I think all mustaches make men look hilarious and if I were a man, it would be fun to have one because it's like wearing a funny disguise all the time. Why do you think that popular costume with the glasses, big nose and mustache is so popular? Because it's hilarious, that's why. I can't seem to take people who have mustaches very seriously because I think they always think they are secretly telling their own joke all the time. Like, 'I'm totally sporting this mustache to be funny but you have to take me seriously so that makes it even funnier to me to watch you have to deal with looking at me with this caterpillar on my lip.' 2) The Proud Wearer: These are mostly cops I think. I have no idea why a lot of cops have mustaches. It's as if, they read what the stereotypical cop should look like, and they just decided to follow in suit. When they graduated from the academy, they got they're badge, their gun and their ability to grow a uniformly, perfectly suited mustache. I think some of them might have fake ones that they put on for effect because really, can there seriously be that many cops out there who have mustaches in real life??!!! 3) Child Molesters: Everyone knows that all child molesters have mustaches. It's part of being able to spot them out in a crowd. That, and big scary unmarked vans with no windows. It's just the way that they are born I think.

In conclusion, I would like to thank the mustaches of the world. You not only bring the funny, but you also bring the creepy. Nevertheless, always a solid source of entertainment for me and many other loyal 'stache supporters!

What it's like to jump out of a perfectly good plane...

A while back I went to the island of Oahu in Hawaii. One of the days we were there, we wanted to go skydiving. So we get to the place and the first thing that happens is they make you watch this short video about the dangers of skydiving. This video consisted of a man with a very long gray beard speaking very monotone about how it is very dangerous and it is very possible that you will die if you go through with it. Then it proceeded to show actual footage of the landing field right outside the place where an ambulance was pulling up to carry off someone who, to put it lightly, had a bad jump. After the video, they give you this huge contract that you have to sign every page of, that basically says that I understand that I may die or be seriously injured during the jump and that neither myself, nor my family will hold them responsible. After you sign your life away, its time to suit up. A guy comes up and gets you into the harness and then proceeds to attach himself to you and you are connected to him throughout the rest of the experience. Then you climb into this little tiny airplane with about 6 other people who are also jumping out. The plane climbs higher and higher and proceeds to get further out above the beautiful clear ocean. This was also kinda a nerve-racking part, because by now, its been so built up, and you can see that your about to jump out of a perfectly good airplane with some stranger attached to your back. Once we hit the right elevation, the door opens up and the single skydivers start disappearing out of the door. I am the last one to go. The guy attached to me says, "okay, lets go!" We move to the edge of the plane, my feet barely clinging on, and he shouts,"one, two, threeeeee!" We fly out into the air, I see the horizon flipping upside down a few times, but thinking back, I think it was us that were flipping around! I didn't even have time to be scared by this point because it was just the most amazing experience I've ever had. I felt like Mighty Mouse flying through the sky. I was screaming and I could tell my lips were flapping in the breeze from the 150mph wind hitting me. After about 45 seconds he pulls the cord and the chute comes out. And it feels like we are suddenly suspended in the air. There is nothing between my feet and the ground which is now about 3500 feet below me. The site is unbelievable, it was the perfect day to go as I could see for miles, the beautiful island of Oahu. He let me steer the chute for a minute which was pretty cool. And after another 10-15 minutes we were near the ground and I was lifting my legs up so he could land us safely on the ground. Once we hit the ground I had the immediate sensation that I wanted to do it again right away. I highly recommend skydiving to anyone who is looking for a thrill. Only the build-up is the scary part, cause the rest of the time, your so in awe of what is going on, you don't have time to be scared. Skydiving on a tropical island.......check!!!

Why do my parents keep "retiring" my pets?

Disclaimer: My parents are very loving people that have hearts of gold and would do anything for anyone, and I do not at all place any sort of blame on them for the following riff.

Now, getting that out of the way. I talked to my dad today and he casually worked into the conversation that they had just put my very last remaining pet cat, Sammy to sleep. We all know that's just a nice way of saying they took her to the vet to have her pumped full of so many drugs her little system would just shut down forever. This is not the first time this has happened.

Exhibit One:
Let's go back to when I was a little Mindy and in pre-school. My mom had picked me up as she did everyday and I was excitedly telling her my adventures of the day. Then she says, and i remember this like it was yesterday, "Mindy, I have some bad news, we had to give Oreo (my dog) away to a nice farmer who has a lot of land that he can run around and he'll be much happier there. Well, of course I was sad, despite the fact that Oreo was not the nicest dog you've ever met. He was actually kind of mean and wouldn't really let anyone get near him. But he was my dog. So of course I was sad to hear that he got taken to this magical place. But, I thought, at least he'll get to live on a farm right?! That must be every dog's dream! It was not until many many years later, that I finally learned what the "farm" really was.

Exhibit Two:
I used to have a hamster named Leroy. He only had one eye, but he was a cute little guy. My sister gave him to me, cause she had used him for some science experiment (no, that is not why he only had one eye) and when the project was over, I was the proud owner of Leroy. He was a sneaky little hamster though. He used to somehow escape during the night and when I woke up in the morning I would have to look around the house to find him. Anyway, so one morning when I woke up, Leroy was once again gone. But this time my Dad found him. He stepped on him. Poor little Leroy. He was still alive though, and seemed fine, so I wasn't sad. Until the next morning when Leroy was still in his cage, and the only reason he didn't escape, was cause he was dead.

Exhibit Three:
My favorite cat I ever had was named Nabi. (Rhymes with hobby) He was the coolest. I loved this cat. ONe day, my dad comes in the house and he's like, "well, I ran over the cat." Of course I was very concerned and asked him if he was still alive, and in fact he was, although he did have to live with a crooked head for the rest of his life. This particular story does not end in an unfortunate demise springing from my parents actions but I thought I would include it anyway. Nabi actually lived a long time after he was run over, and after getting his tail bitten off, riding in my dad's engine to work one day and getting run over, he finally used up all his lives and was fatally hit by a car.

Exhibit Four:
I had another cat named Fuki. (Rhymes with dookie) We had him for a really long time. One day my dad comes in the house and he's like, "well I ran over Fuki." Turns out that he also lived through it, although he would live out the rest of his years with his stomach dragging on the ground. Anyway, so I go to college, come back for the summer after my freshman year. My parents pick me up and my dad says, "well, you'll notice something missing around the house." I'm thinking oh, maybe they got a new couch or something. Then he says, "we put the cat to sleep." What a start to the summer.

Exhibit Five:
I had another cat named Zoli. (Rhymes with golly) He was a cool cat too and we had him for a while also. This one was pretty recent. My mom calls me up and tells me that they put him to sleep. Now I have to say, this one was a real shocker. He wasn't too old, he was really a good, nice cat, and I didn't see it coming at all. They said that he was getting fussy in his old age. I have no proof, since I only see him like twice a year now so I cannot vouch for how "fussy" he was getting.

Exhibit Six:
Sammy. My parents are moving out of the house that I grew up in. Pretty weird. They are moving to a condo so they couldn't bring the cat with them, because she was an outdoor cat. So after trying to get a few people to take her in, they resorted to putting her down.

These are all the examples I have. I'm sure that they had to do what they had to do mind you, they never asked me to take any of the animals before ending their happy existence on this planet. I'm starting to think that they probably have a frequent "putting to sleep" card at the vet. Anyway, to all that have animals, love them all you can, cause you never know when someone will put them to sleep and then wait for an in-opportune time to tell you about it.

Think Caveman Era...

Well now we have cars everywhere but think back to when we didn't have cars and everyone rode horses. Do you think that if we continued on that track instead of inventing the wheel and airbags and stuff, do you think that we would be using other animals as forms of transportation? What I mean is, do you think that we would still have SUV type things but instead of a big car, the SUV would be like, an elephant or a rhino? And sports cars would be like cheetahs or panthers and compact cars would be maybe umm.... turtles or miniature ponies. Wouldn't that be wild? Ha, wild! Okay, well at least we wouldn't be fighting about oil. Although, there might be some arguments over "curbing your animal/car."

And i was like, "uh oh"

So the other night I'm getting ready to go to sleep and as I'm peacefully emerging into my bed, i notice a big spider in the corner of my room. the corner just to the left of my bed. so i think to myself, "hmmm, should i kill it so it doesn't come and get me during the night? or should i let it be and perhaps we can enjoy a perfectly happy co-existence? well, I've heard that killing spiders is bad luck, and let's be honest i was never going to kill it, i would have probably called upon Karim to take care of our new eight legged roommate, so i let him be. i go to sleep and dream of sugar plumbs and lolly pops and the next morning when i wake up, i decide to check on my new friend. much to my dismay, he was no longer there, and i was like, "uh oh!!" did i eat him in my sleep? don't they say that you swallow like 7 spiders during your lifetime while your sleeping??? i can only hope that if that was in fact the case, that maybe he was my seventh and final spider and i have filled my quota on spider eating. but really, i hope he just moved away.

My momma always told me...

My Mom always told me that if i finished up all my dinner it would be a sunny day tommorrow. so through the years i've done my darndest to eat every last morsal of my dinner in hopes for a day full of sunshine. well, suprisingly enough, it did not always work out that way. in fact sometimes after i finished up my dinner, it rained the next day. or even snowed in some cases. so i says to mom i says, "Ma! what up with that whopper of a tale you told me about finishing dinner?" and she responded calmly saying that its not just the food on your plate that needs to be gone, its all the food on the table. so in case you were confused as was I, you must finish everything edible on the table to in fact expect a sunny day tommorrow. Thanks for clearing that one up Ma.

Just what are those birds thinking??

Well today, i wanna blog about birds pooping on people. do you think that they're up there targeting the ones that they dump on? i mean really, is it a coincidence when you feel that little tap on your head only to reach your hand up to feel a slimy soft goo? i once got pooed on. yep, me. no one is safe really. i was at the beach. my assasin.. a seagull. i never did see which one it was but i'm sure it saw me a mile away. he had a plan alright. if i remember correctly it landed on my shoulder. my mom once told me that its good luck to have a bird poop on you. my mom told me that its good luck to have a bird poop on you. i just thought i should repeat that one. well if momma knows best then, i have some pigeon chasing to do, cause i could stand some good luck.

I would only hire Bums and Sign Twirlers…

If I owned my own company, I would only hire Bums and Sign Twirlers. I’m sure that just by making that statement,
it’s already pretty obvious as to why, however I’ll let you in on a few of my reasons. First of all, they seem to be
pretty easy to please. Sign Twirlers get really excited when you just wave to them or honk your horn while they
are ‘performing’ their art, and a lot of Bums are pretty grateful if you drop them a few coins every now and then.

It seems like neither are too picky on their work environments as they both stand out in the heat, the cold, the
rain, and the wind for hours at a time without even seeming to notice. I think this particular quality makes them
almost super human in that, most office workers complain if their buildings are “a little chilly,” or “Ned Jenkins
drank the last bit out of the water cooler and didn’t bother to put the new bottle into the dispenser.”

I’m almost certain that I could get them to wear whatever I gave them. I mean who hasn’t seen the guy that so happily
wears the piece of pizza costume while spinning a sign touting ‘Little Ceasers Pizzas for $5!’ And let’s face it,
Bums don’t seem to be too picky on their wardrobe either. I just saw a guy on the corner wearing a t shirt which was
held together by tape and what I can only guess to be some sort of binding chewing gum.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much excitement they both have too! I went running the other day, and as I passed two Bums sitting on the sidewalk, they cheered me on and gave me high fives when I passed them, as if I was running with the Olympic torch. You can’t teach that level of excitement! I don’t think I even have to tell you about the hypnotizing artistry that Sign Twirlers hold either. They go for hours at a time, flipping, dancing and smiling, all while hoping, you’ll pull aside to take advantage of the ‘Free Tax Assistance With H and R Block!”

Sure they both may be free spirited types, hating to be tied down to a schedule, or to have to listen to any sort of authority figure. And there’s a chance that they may or may not show up drunk, drugged, or maybe not even show up at all, I think that when they did decide to bring themselves in, there would be no limit to the creative quality of amazing feats of whatever work I have hired their soaring spirits to perform. All of this being said, I believe I have come to the conclusion, that, although I would be constantly entertained by my hiring choices, I probably should not own my own company.

I don't judge people, I invent things about them...

"Don't judge a book by it's cover, " yeah, yeah, I get it, I don't judge people by their outward appearances. That's not fun at all. What is fun, is seeing people and letting my mind wander about what their deal in life is. For instance, the other day, I'm sitting at a red light on the corner of Santa Monica Blvd and Cahuenga in Hollywood. I see a cowboy crossing the street. I don't mean a guy dressed up like a cowboy like maybe he was going to an audition or a show, but this dude was for real and I could tell because of the way he was walking, he had that cowboy walk. You know, where he just got off his horse type strut. So immediately my mind starts wondering about what this dude's story is and where he came from. My only conclusion is that he rode into Hollywood on his noble steed which he named Tyson, not because he's a fan of boxing but this particular horse, instead of kicking behind him, would stand on his back legs and punch at people whenever his cowboy rider wanted him too. The cowboy taught Tyson to do this because he had his 6 shooter taken away from him in a brawl with a rootin tootin train robber, when he tried to stop him from robbing a train. So the cowboy, with his skilled horse Tyson, decided he wanted out of the cowboy life and headed to Hollywood, where he thought he could make some money with Tyson doing his 'stupid pet trick' of punching people out with his front legs. Well it turns out, when they got to Hollywood, they were walking down Hollywood Blvd and the guy that dresses like Spiderman ( not the one with the good costume, but the one who looks like he's wearing pajamas) came up and startled Tyson, so the horse naturally stood up on his back feet, and punched Spidey out. He caused a big commotion and a crowd started to gather and in this crowd was none other than famed reality show producer Mark Burnett. Mr. Burnett immediately saw an opportunity to make his newest show of having Tyson, go after animal abusers in sort of an animal justice kind of way. Only there was no part for the cowboy. So with swimming pools and movie stars in his eyes, Tyson left the cowboy behind and happily left with Mr. Burnett to fulfill his dreams of becoming a star. That's when I saw our cowboy friend. Horseless and hopeless crossing the street. Where are you going to next Mr. Cowboy man? Where oh where? Okay, it was a pretty long red light.

Girl's POV on 'I'll Make Love To You' by Boys II Men

I went to a B..B..Boyz II Men concert last weekend. They were missing the deep voiced guy, but other that, they still sounded good. So they sang one of their singles from back in the day, 'I'll Make Love To You,' and as I was listening to it, it occured to me just how funny the lyrics would be if the girl they were singing to, was really just looking for a one night stand, and not into this whole romantic thing they have going. So here's what I think the girl would be thinking after each overly cheesy line that is in the song:

SONG: Close your eyes, make a wish
GIRL: Oh no, is this gonna be freaky?
SONG: And blow out the candlelight
GIRL: I was actually quite enjoying that scented candle, what is that? Sandlewood?
SONG: For tonight is just your night
GIRL: Alright then, less talk, more action, buddy
SONG: We're gonna celebrate, all thru the night
GIRL: Oh. Really? Hmmm, really wish I would have known this, going in...
SONG: Pour the wine, light the fire
GIRL: First you tell me to blow out the candle, now you tell me to light the fire, dude, what are YOU doing?!!
SONG: Girl your wish is my command
GIRL: Boy, I command you to stop talking!
SONG: I submit to your demands
GIRL: You are more of a 'take you out to dinner' first kinda guy, aren't you?
SONG: I'll do anything, girl you need only ask
GIRL: I'm here aren't I? Do I have to ask? It's not like I came over to play Monopoly!!!

Chorus:
SONG: I'll make love to you
GIRL: Okay, I thought we already established that when I came home with you!
SONG: Like you want me to
GIRL: I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea
SONG: And I'll hold you tight
GIRL: I never said I was sleeping over!
SONG: Baby all through the night
GIRL: Maybe I can sneak out through the window!
SONG: I'll make love to you
GIRL: OK, that's been decided, now WHEN???!!!
SONG: When you want me to
GIRL: I think I've made it pretty clear!!!
SONG: And I will not let go till you tell me to
GIRL: Oh, God, Why Meeee!!!

SONG: Girl relax, let's go slow
GIRL: Seriously dude, I forgot, I have to be somewhere...
SONG: I ain't got nowhere to go
GIRL: Greeat. Can't a girl just get picked up by a player anymore?
SONG: I'm just gonna concentrate on you
GIRL: Looks like there's no gettin out of this for me then, huh?
SONG: Girl are you ready, it's gonna be a long night
GIRL: I was actually planning on catching up on my tivoed Oprah shows after this little charade.
SONG: Throw your clothes on the floor
GIRL: Eh, yeah right, I don't want your dog cozying up on my dress!
SONG: I'm gonna take my clothes off too
GIRL: Oh boy, Do I really have to look forward to you narrating this whole thing?
SONG: I made plans to be with you
GIRL: Wait, have we met before?
SONG: Girl whatever you ask me you know I'll do
GIRL: Did you go to Cancun, Spring Break 2001?

SONG: Baby tonight is your night
GIRL: Turns out, it's not at all, really
SONG: And I will do you right
GIRL: Your pretty confident, for such a talker
SONG: Just make a wish on your night
GIRL: I wish I could go back 3 hours, and go home with that dude with the crooked nose instead
SONG: Anything that you ask
GIRL: Can you bring the trashcan over here?
SONG: I will give you the love of your life
GIRL: I think I'm going to be sick...

Let me explain...

You may be wondering about the title of my blog. I’m sorry if this offends you. I never curse out loud but sometimes I curse when I’m thinking about something and since you are reading this, then it’s just in your head and not out loud, so you shouldn’t be offended. I’m actually sometimes offended by people cursing out loud. Mostly when it’s directed at me, but that is not too often seeing how I am a pretty passive person when it comes to getting into fights. I've never been in a fist fight and I'm pretty sure that if someone wanted to hit me, I would run away from them in a zig-zag like pattern in hopes that they would get weirded out and give up the chase. I never really understood the whole sticking soap in kids mouths when they said bad words. I get the literal meaning of "washing their mouths out" but I believe that a mouthful of lima beans covered in Cayenne Pepper would teach them not to say it anymore.

Anyway, so dinner parties. Let me just put out there, that I appreciate every dinner party invite I get, however, I feel like I have to throw one so I don’t have to feel bad when other people invite me to theirs. You shouldn’t have to have a party just to even it out with all the invites you get to other people’s parties. Some people like throwing parties. I’m not a planner. Never was, never will be. I’m happy to go along when someone else makes plans, but when I do something, there has to be little work involved ahead of time in making it happen.So what, if I’m 30 and I’ve never thrown a dinner party?! They sound a lot more fun than they actually are anyway. It sounds like some big fun time where you sit at a table and a bunch of chefs come out dressed up like different courses of the dinner and put on a big show for you. One would come out dressed as an asparagus and he would sing a song about how much he longed to be together with the Alfredo sauce but society demands that he be served with Hollandaise. Now that sounds like a party I would love to attend. Normally though, dinner parties consist of a bunch of your acquaintances, I won’t even call them your friends because friends don’t demand that you go out and spend $100 on food, then spend 2 days preparing your house and the stupid dinner that you just looked up on some cooking website and have never actually tried before. A friend is someone you call up, tell them it’s Taco Tuesday, and they’ll come and pick you up and share a bag of 50 cent tacos with. No, dinner party acquaintances will show up at your house, bringing some gross bottle of wine that they claim to have discovered just last weekend while they were weekending up in Napa Valley and decided that they just had to share the bottle they bought, with their closest friends on such a special occasion. Blech. I’m however hip to this game. I keep a few bottles of wine on hand, just for these parties. No more than 5 bucks a bottle, and that’s splurging. If you buy one that has a fancy enough label, and come with a great story about how your brother in law is a sommelier and this is his favorite wine, you’re not only in, but even if it ends up tasting terrible, people will think they are the ones who with no wine knowledge and tell you it is exquisite. I like to refer to this as the, “I’ve made up way more details about this, therefore I seem smarter” game. It tends to work in all kinds of situations, feel free to use the method, you'll see.

I guess if I had to throw a 'dinner party' I would have to invite everyone who had recently invited me to their dinner parties. Now, you would think that this list would be an all inclusive list of close personal friends. It actually consists of a few close friends, but mostly friends of friends whom actually aren’t really their friends either, just sort of friends in the loosest form of friendship there can be. For instance, they are the type of friends of friends who, after they leave the party, we can all have our second helpings of dessert, and I can finally tell everyone that in that bottle of “Grey Goose” is actually the Smirnoff that I picked up and poured into the Grey Goose bottle that has been empty and just sitting around in my cupboard for these exact moments of needed impressiveness. The truth is, I don't even know what type of actual dinner I could make that would live up to the pressure of throwing a whole party around it. I guess I could take a second and google "dinner party menu ideas" but that would most likely only come up with a bunch of fancy ingredients and pictures of glassware and cloth napkins draping long tables that only exist in either uber-rich people’s houses, or old reenactments of the last supper photo shoots. I'm quite sure that I wouldn't see any pictures of what my set up would look like, which would be a small dinner table with both inserts in, 6 chairs, that if you pick them up the wrong way, will in fact fall apart in your hands, and a smaller, shorter grass stain green card table surrounded by one bar stool, a fold out chair, and the office rolly chair I have set up in front of my computer desk. So ya know what? F dinner parties and all their grown up details, I'd much rather just get together and eat!